(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Thought I would give y'all a picture to giggle at this morning. This was taken in Feb 2011 when we had "snow" here in San Antonio. I think we got an inch at the very most but it shut the entire city down. This picture cracked J and I up...it was a tractor using the seeding contraption to sand the highway! Hoping we get to see some real snow when we are up north for Christmas!

Moving forward

I found a quote today that I fell in love with as soon as I read it. I've never liked the phrase "moving on" after tragedy.  We don't move on.  We move forward, taking memories, precious faces and stories, and the things we're learning with us. It resonated with me on so many levels.

I don't have all of the words or the ability to properly express my sadness regarding the events last Friday in Sandy Hook. The pain I felt was more intense than I expected. I want to find a way to remember the innocent victims. This post really made me think: http://dykeintheheartoftexas.com/2012/12/16/his-name-is-noah-pozner/. I am choosing to remember Dylan Hockley and Anne Marie Murphy.

We had the follow-up appointment with Dr. A today regarding my surgery. It turns out that the laproscopy was definitely beneficial. He found Stage 1 endometriosis. He was not overly concerned about it...the big surprise was the fibroids he found when he was in there. He showed us pictures of them this morning. Um, wow. So glad we decided to move forward with the surgery. It sounded like surgery would have happened once the fibroids had died on their own. Dr. A said eventually they would have caused me a great deal of pain.

We also talked about the future and what options are out there for us. We talked a lot about the possibility of using frozen donor eggs. There is an "Assured" plan that would reimburse us 100% if we went through the program and were not successful. If you opt out on your own you are reimbursed up to 80%. Should you be successful in round 1 or 2, well, you paid a little extra.

We are also going to get a price from Dr. A's office for a fresh donor cycle. He said that he would offer us a "frequent flyer" price.

I don't think we'll be making any decisions soon, so we might consider a medicated IUI in January. There is still a lot of talking to do before making that decision. We both know our chances of success are not great but the fear of it being successful and resulting in another loss is very real.

We also had to change Garnett's medicine again...we'll be upping the dose of one of his meds as he had another seizure Saturday night. I am really hoping that he is safe and stays seizure free next week while we are away for the holidays. I hate to think about something happening while we are so far away.

So for now, I am going to do my best to truly take this cycle off and just let things be. I am going to do my very best to move forward.

Ultrasound today...

Of my thyroid :) and I was told by the endocrinologist that it looked like a perfect little thyroid. It's a bit on the smaller side, but she wasn't overly concerned about it. It's most likely due to the dosage of Syn.throid I've been on...which she's taking me off - gradually. When she looked at my hands she commented on them being red and said I was on too much medicine. I go in for blood work in 5.5 weeks and then back to Dr. H in 6 weeks.

It was a really interesting (and last minute!) appointment. I filled out the new patient info online yesterday afternoon and received an email at 7:20 last night that there was an opening at 11am today...I grabbed it! So glad I did...it helped me feel like I am being more proactive with my health. Next on my agenda is finally finding a PCP down here. I really haven't had a PCP in years, so it's time to get back on track.

This doctor does not accept health insurance, so she can spend more time with each patient. My appointment lasted just about an hour and she went over everything in detail with me and asked me quite a few questions. She was shocked to hear about the pregnancy last summer when I had my progesterone level tested and it came back low a week before I received the positive pregnancy test. She couldn't figure out why I wasn't put on a supplement once the doctor knew I was pregnant. I wish I had an answer. There were a couple of times when we were talking I wondered "what if" thinking about the losses, but I tried hard to not do that too much.

So all in all, a good appointment!

I miss her

This is me the week of our wedding...this is me before 4 miscarriages...this is me before 2 surgeries in 6 months...this is me before my thyroid decided to go wonky. I miss that "me".

I have been so moody since the surgery last week...I really didn't expect that part of the procedure at all. I did my best to prepare myself for the physical side of it but completely spaced on the emotional side. J and I have snapped at each other more in the past week than we have in a long time. He commented on it the other night and said we really need to work harder at not butting heads so often. I completely agree! I hate it. I really want us to figure out how to get it to stop before going home to MA for the holidays. I can't imagine what would happen if I snapped at him in front of his mom...ugh. We snapped in front of my Mom, but she "got it"...she understood we were both under stress; especially J, because it happened as he was going back to work.

I have an appointment on Monday with Dr. S, my therapist, and J is going with me. I think it will be really good for both of us. My last appointment with her went well, but went in a direction that I did not see coming. When I left I wondered how we spent my whole appointment talking about alternative ways for J and I to become parents when I am still reeling from the last loss. I have had such a tough time recovering emotionally from this one...I find myself thinking "Why me?" a lot and I don't like how that feels. I had a meltdown over the weekend because I am tired of feeling so broken. I want to feel positive about what's next...problem is, I don't know what's next.

Tuesday is the follow-up appointment with Dr. A ...hoping that helps us start a conversation about what's next for us.

Next time I promise to bring some cheese to go with my whine!

Back to the real world

Thank you for all your well wishes and thoughts after my surgery. I have to admit I was a bit surprised when I was filling out the paperwork to find out that I was having both the lap and the hysteroscopy, but in the long run it was beneficial, so that was the important part.

It was so good to have my Mom here last week. I did not realize what a busy week at work it was going to be for J, so it was a huge help for all of us to have Mom here! The puppies loved having their Grammie visit. :)

I am happy to say that I am feeling well...really glad I had so much time off from work. I feel like a complete idiot though that it took me more than one day to find all of my incisions.

I am also happy to say that Garnett is doing well with his new drug regimen...we are a full week without any seizures. He gave us a few false alarms this weekend, but no actual episodes. It's crazy to see how Sadie jumps now during a false alarm. I just really hope we can go more than a week or two without a seizure.

Time for me to get back to work...I still have my to-do list to tackle.

Hope y'all have a Marvelous Monday!

Quick Hello

All went very well yesterday...Dr. A said I did great during the surgery...I got the two for one deal. I ended up having the lap and a hysteroscopy, which ended up being beneficial. Dr. A removed some fibroids...he saved them to show my Mom and J. Glad I didn't have to see them. He also said I had "some" endometriosis...J said he didn't give it a Stage number.  I'll have to ask about that during my follow-up.

It took me a little longer this time around to come out of the anesthesia, but thankfully, I did it without any nausea. I am a bit sore today, but staying on top of my meds. Going to enjoy a day on the couch with the remote. :)

Quick update on Garnett too...we spent almost 90 minutes at the vet's yesterday. We are adding a new drug to his regimen...Dr. Z is hoping that this will help with the cluster seizures. We are really hoping it  will help. He started on it last night, so fingers crossed, we don't have another seizure for a couple of weeks.

A Glimpse of Our Weekend

The weekend was a lot of fun, but I cannot tell a lie...I had my moments where I was moody...blame the pill and blame the anxiety of the upcoming lap.

Friday night we went out to our favorite watering hole to celebrate my day...even the puppies were able to join us! It was great fun! My Mom was quite a trooper...by the time we got back to the house she had been up for about 22 hours straight.

Saturday we went to a high school football playoff game...it was great fun! The son of the HR director at J's work was playing. I think we are planning on going to his next game on Saturday - it will be played at the Alamodome.

Sunday was super relaxing...it was full of NFL football and resting. Mom and I threw some clothes shopping in there too! I was able to thoroughly enjoy one of my birthday gifts on Sunday...my youngest brother and his family sent me a package from Legal Sea Foods...we enjoyed clam chowder while watching the Patriots. It was perfect. :)

We had a few downfalls too - outside of my moods - poor Garnett had two seizures. Both happened while he was in his crate, so on a positive note, everyone was safe. It was so strange...he had one Friday night about 10 - 15 minutes after going to bed. We blamed it on being out late at the bar. ;)
Then he had another one at about 3:00am this morning...I can't come up with anything as to why that one occurred. We are off to the vet's tomorrow at 8:00am to get him checked out and to see if there is something we can do to help. We also need to talk about what we should do for boarding while we are away for the holidays. I hate the thought of him having an episode while we are not there.

I leave you with a few pictures. :)

 Garnett at the Flying Saucer...he's a perfect "wing man"!

 Relaxing on the couch after a late Friday night.

New England Patriots and New England clam chowder...life is good!

You say it's your birthday...

Well, it's my birthday too!!

Yes, I hate the number but I love celebrating my special day! My Mom is on the plane now on her way to San Antonio and I cannot wait to see her!! Really looking forward to a fun weekend before going in for my lap on Tuesday.

I started the day off with my pre-op labs, but did stop at Starbuck's on my way to work to treat myself to a Peppermint Mocha.

Hope y'all have a GREAT day and a wonderful weekend. :)

Sometimes...

I am having a much tougher time picking up the pieces after this loss compared to the others. I know each loss is different and I can't lump them all together, but this has really been tough for both J and I. The biggest piece is that I don't know what is next for us. In an odd way, having the surgery next week helps because it means I am doing something. It seems that since I've made the decision to go forward with the procedure I've read about more than once person who was diagnosed with endometriosis after having a lap done and they had not been experiencing any symptoms. I am curious about what Dr. A is going to find.

Did I mention to y'all that I have pregnant co-worker? I work in an office of 20 and this is the second time where I've suffered a loss at the same time where a co-worker is pregnant. It's miserable to say the least. I am so glad that we are now in a suite with two floors, so I can avoid contact with her when I need to.

I have also been feeling guilty that my commenting on blogs has changed. Please know that I am keeping up with all of you and cheering for you.

I am sorry if I sound too much like a Debbie Downer...more than once I've read The Barren Librarian's post when I've felt down this week and tried to remind myself that I am a Warrior!!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Really wish I was having my morning coffee here:

Instead of here:

One week from today...

I'll be having my laparscopy done to check for endometriosis. Part of me feels crazy for doing this and the other side thinks maybe it's just the frugal side of me who can't pass up something that will be free. I think it will be good to explore all sides of my IF and hopefully this will help us with deciding what is next. My Mom is coming down on Friday for a week - it will be nice to have her here with me next week while I am recovering.

Our holiday weekend was good - each day had some tears but they also had fun in them to balance out the sad side. Thanksgiving morning was rough...it was J's first major holiday since his dad passed away. We tried to watch the Macy's day parade but J ended up in tears saying "We said we'd take our kids to the parade." It was tough...I think it's the first time he's let himself cry in front of me over the losses. After that we decided it was time to go for a walk at the park with the puppies. SO glad we did - it really reset our moods and we burned some calories before we consumed them!

Saturday we did our part for Small Business Saturday. We headed up to Fredericksburg for some shopping. It was so much fun! The weather was perfect. Only downfall was the crowds...so many people had the same idea! I am hoping we can get back up there again before the end of the year. Funny story for you from when we were shopping...we went into a store that sold all sorts of jams, jellies, salsas and sauces...we picked out two jars to purchase after testing many of the samples. Well, if we bought three we'd save 15% on each bottle, so I got to pick out the third...I quickly grabbed the Pineapple and Hatch salsa. After we started driving I asked J what was wrong with me...how did I manage to pick up salsa and not the wild blueberry preserves?!? I am a bit of a nut when it comes to blueberries - especially the wild variety. I think I've been in TX too long...still wondering how this girl from New England who grew up with blueberries in her backyard picked salsa over blueberry jam... Another reason to go back!

I leave you with some pictures :)

 Lazy puppies watching tv

 Thanksgiving dinner in our courtyard (we put way too much food on our plates and didn't eat it all!)

Just in case

You wanted to see more of our wedding...I did a guest post for a blogger from San Pedro:
http://www.sanpedroscoop.com/

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Today I share with you one of my favorite wedding pictures...I am so thankful for that day...

it was amazing! 

To scope or not to scope...that is the question

Ladies, I need your thoughts on something...when I first started this journey with Dr. A he thought there was a chance I have some endometriosis in there. At the time, he thought it was mild enough that surgery was not necessary. After the way I was feeling last week, I decided to email Dr. A to see what he thought about my having the surgery before the end of the year. I believe, that because I've met my deductible for the year, the costs would be minimal. So, Dr. A said it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and do it...they would put me on the birth control again and schedule the procedure. So, now my question for you...am I nuts for considering surgery before the holidays? If you have had laparoscopic surgery, what is the recovery like? Any thoughts/advice are welcome!

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

I guess I should be giving y'all my pennies because I am going to give you my thoughts. :)

It's CD2 for me...it started earlier than I anticipated. G-D Hope poked her head into my world when I had some spotting earlier in the week. It start off brownish so I thought - hmmm- could it be? Could it be a spontaneous pregnancy?? (Dr. A's term when we asked about trying on our own.) But when it continued for 3 days I  knew what was coming.

I've been having a tough time with it...a bit of TMI for you...the bleeding seems worse with this cycle than it was with the m/c. I am moody and picking fights with J over stupid things. I think baking chocolate chip cookies might be the plan for this evening to try to lighten my mood.

I am a big fan of Pinterest and one of my favorite boards is my "Words" board. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you:

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Whatcha doing?

Thank you so much for your kinds words after yesterday's post. I will definitely keep you updated on our IF life but I'll also be giving you a peak into our "real" life. :) I took this picture last December when we took my mom to the wildlife ranch here in San Antonio.

The magic number is 3!!

I just received the call from our nurse...my hcg level is now at 3 and I am done with blood draws! YAY! My arm can finally take a break from being poked. I am really hoping this is going to help me heal a bit more. It's been really hard to go in so often to have my blood drawn...it's been 4 weeks since we learned that we lost Fred and I am ready for the physical side of all of this to be done. I am so glad I found a therapist that I feel like I connect with. I am going back again on Monday, I was lucky enough to be fit into a slot where someone cancelled.

I don't know what's next for us, so things may get a little quiet around here. Maybe I'll give you some posts on our life here in San Antonio or something else non-IF.

101st post!

I had been holding off on my 100th post last week, because I wanted it to be a good one. Well, instead you got a zebra.

I am a survivor!! My in-laws were here for 5 days I lived to tell about it! The visit was long and had some drama, but nothing major. I knew it was long when J said to me this morning "You know 5 days is long to have visitors."

I am going to give you some bullet points to fill you in on where I am at. I feel like if I try to write a proper post it's going to ramble and I am going to forget at least one thing.

* We had our "WTF" appointment with Dr. A...the path report for Fred came back inconclusive. Dr. A was really surprised. The report stated that the lab received tissue "conclusive with products of conception" but they were not able to grow any tissue to conduct the testing. Apparently this little one did not want us to know anything about him/her. Not sure if this helps or hurts my healing process. At least I know we tried to find out what went wrong. Dr. A said he was 70% certain it was a chromosome issue.

* As for what's next in our plan to become parents it looks like my eggs might be out of the picture. He said we could try one more round of IVF but it would need to happen NOW. Unfortunately, J and I do not have the money for that. Also, I am a bit concerned with doing another round of meds...doing three rounds in one year seems like a lot to me. J said "So it sounds like you are recommending donor eggs or adoption." Dr. A shook his head yes. He was so good to us during the appointment. When he said IVF would need to happen sooner rather than later he said he would work with us and see what could be done in terms of the cost. J and I still need to talk about what's next for us and  how we'd like to move forward. Unfortunately, the appt happened while his mom and her husband were here so we really haven't had a chance to talk.

* J's mom behaved while she was here and the drama was kept to a minimum! HUGE relief for me :) Both J and I were expecting at least some drama. Only thing that bothered me was that she did not really acknowledge the loss while she was with us in person. Well, at least not to me. J said she did ask how I was doing with everything. The morning of our appt she also said that if I didn't want to do anything afterwards it was okay with them.

* Garnett had another seizure this weekend. Thankfully the whole episode only seemed to last about 3 minutes. The downfall was a I failed again in terms of making sure J and Sadie were also on the other side of the door with me before shutting it. I just freak out when these happen...I need to get better at it. I am thinking if we make a check list of what we are both responsible for when it happens that will help me.

* I started seeing a therapis today! I'll call her Dr. S - today was just the in-take meeting but she seemed great. She said I sound like I am doing well, but she could understand why I'd like help getting "better".

* REALLY wishing we were heading off to Belize for Thanksgiving! I want to be here:

Off the grid

I've been off the grid because we've been interesting Jason's mom and her husband. Yesterday we went to the wild life ranch...it was a lot of fun.

Pig

I really wanted to title my post "Why me?" but I wanted to add some positive to this post as well so I am going to start with the positve before I go on to the not-so-positive.

I am not sure if I've let it be known or not that I am somewhat obsessed with Dave Matthews. One day last week I was having a rough time during my ride home so I did what I always do when I am feeling down...I turned on Dave. The song Pig started playing, well normally, I would just sing along and start feeling better thinking about the time I saw him play at Fenway and he opened with Pig. Um, not this time. I started really listening to the lyrics and started balling. When I heard these lyrics I thought of all of you and the love & support I have received.

This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
Oh, there's much more than we see here

I really don't know how I would have made it through this last loss without you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much for being there for me.

Now for the zingers...had my follow-up hcg test today. I am at 9...why can't it be below 5 already!??! Looks like I have to go back again next Monday. :( I am hoping that the pathology report will be back this week so I can meet with Dr. A on the same day I go in for the blood draw. One a positive note, our nurse has been the one doing the blood draws...no sympathetic looks and no bruises!!

Major zinger of the weekend...J and I went to the yard sales in the neighborhood on Saturday during the community yard sale. It wasn't easy because my original plan had been to look for baby stuff but I changed it to wanting to look for a cast iron pan and a weed whacker instead. Fail on both of those, but we did find some bargains and some heartache. When we stopped at one sale the woman said "I just have baby stuff and this entertainment center." J replied "Thanks, we don't need baby stuff or an entertainment center." The woman chuckled and said "Oh, all done having babies?" J smiled and we walked away. J grabbed my hand and asked if we could just go home and cry. I said I wanted to reply with "Yup, having 4 die was enough for us." I am really glad I didn't...it's not her fault and what good would it have done to make her feel horrible. We talked about it more than once and kept on trucking.

To end on a positive note, I am happy to report that I thoroughly enjoyed my "Two-Buck Chuck" from Trader Joe's this weekend!!

FINALLY!!

Trader Joe's has come to San Antonio!! Grand opening is today - I am planning on going over at lunch time and buying my 2 buck Chuck!! (it's $2.99 here, but that's okay).

I am happy to say my mood is much better today and I am definitely calling the therapist today. Thank you for all the love and support you have sent my way - it means more than I can tell you.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!!

One of those days...

Call me clueless...I had no idea that Halloween would have such a negative effect on me. J and I were dorks had fun last night sitting outside with the dogs waiting for the trick-or-treaters to arrive. We did enjoy a couple of hard ciders while sitting out there and the dogs loved being outside. We brushed both of them quite a bit. :) Despite not being to the groomers for a month now, they looked really shiny and had soft coats. We didn't get that many kids and only one little one. He was an awfully cute Kermit the Frog - he was out with his older brothers and sisters...J decided his mom had enough kids and we should have just grabbed him. lol

Once we were done with the "festivities" and making dinner I lost it. I realized that if the first pregnancy had been successful we would have had a toddler by now. I melted. I had another hard time falling asleep and even a harder time waking up this morning. J thought he was being good and let me sleep until the last possible moment. Unfortunately, it backfired...I woke up super crabby and complaining about everything. I have yet to shake that crappy feeling, despite having leftover Halloween candy for breakfast.

I am definitely calling the therapist that was recommended to me today.

Sorry I didn't serve any cheese with the whine today...

Send some love

Please go send some love to Tami today, as she and her husband found out that their pregnancy is no longer viable. My heart is breaking for her.

Liebster Nominee #2 and a story for you

A BIG thank you to BFPEnvy for nominating me for the Liebster Award...I am honored :)

Here are my answers to her great questions...

1. Where is the most exciting place you have traveled to? It's a tie between Anchorage and Belize
2. Do you prefer chips or cookies? Cookies - preferably homemade chocolate chip
3. Coffe or tea? coffee, but I also love a good cup of English Breakfast tea
4. What is one thing you always carry with you in your purse? feminine supplies...if every I am running low all I have to do is going searching in pocketbooks not in use.
5. Do you typically wear high heels or flats? flats...nothing like having broken your foot and twisting your ankle to make you switch to flats
6. What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Red Wine - The Dreaming Tree Cabernet Sauvignon is a new favorite...Cupcake wines are also very yummy!
7. What is your favorite book and why? Such a tough decision...Jane Eyre is at the top of my list along with  Harry Potter.
8. If you won a million dollars, what is the first big purchase you would splurge on? a house in Belize
9. Who is your celebrity crush? Dave Matthews
10. What is the last movie that you watched that made you cry? Haven't watched any movies lately that have made  me cry, but commercials?!? They are getting me left and right lately - especially the Subaru commercial with the chocolate lab.
11. What is one wonderful thing you would like to share about your significant other: He's great at surprising me with little things...like last week's iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts :)

I think all the ladies on my reading list have been nominated, so I am not adding any nominations right now...you are all wonderful and I treasure you!!

I heard from Dr. A's office with the results from yesterday's bloodwork...hcg is down to 70...so I get to back next Monday for another stick. I wish I could go on Saturday instead...going to see if that is possible.

My Mom told me a great story from her job yesterday that I want to share with you. My Mom works on the Maternity Ward at a local hospital...while going over one of the charts with an aide it was noted that a patient had 8 pregnancies but only 3 live births (there is a technical term for this but I don't remember what it is). The aide looked at it and said "Wow can you believe her numbers?!?!" My Mom looked at her and said "T, you have no idea what this woman's story is and you cannot judge her based on those numbers. When my daughter has a baby her numbers are going to be 5 and 1." My Mom said T's face just dropped. She apologized and said that my Mom was right - you have no idea what the story is behind the numbers. I was so proud of my Mom for standing up for that patient and saying something to the aide.

Monday, Monday

We started our day off at Dr. A's office this morning for the follow-up appointment. I am happy to say that everything looked good - no need for surgery!! I had to have blood taken as well to make sure my hcg level is down to zero...I really, really hope it is so I don't have to go back for another blood draw this week. Dr. A also said they should have the pathology report back in another couple of weeks. Once they are back we are going to go in and chat with Dr. A about the results and what is next for us. Truly, I have no idea what is next. I am trying really hard to just heal from what has happened and not think about what's next yet.

I also got the name of a therapist. I had seen one a couple of times after the 3rd m/c...she was good but not great. I think my big turn-off was after the last appointment when I was talking about everything I was dealing with and she said "So what is it that I can do for you?" Um, I just gave you a BUNCH of material...can't you find a way to help? I was just really surprised when she asked.

It's still sunny and cool here in SA but should be getting warmer this week. Back up into the 70s...I can't believe what a wimp I've become since moving south. Speaking of weather, our thoughts are with all of our friends and family up north who are in the path of Sandy. Stay safe my friends!!

Liebster Blog Award - Updated

WOW! I've been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by my friend Amanda at Growing Griswolds...THANK YOU :)

Here is some info on the award (courtsey of Amanda): What is a Liebster Blog Award? The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.
What does it mean to me? Someone cares about me and my little blog. :)

Now for the first fun part...answering Amanda's questions:

1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why? I'd want to be a sweet gherkin and I think I'd want to be right in the middle so I am protected by the pickles around me.

2) What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving...I've always loved helping get the  meal ready - especially making an apple pie. I love how it's not as commercialized as Christmas. For the last 2 years we've celebrated Thanksgiving in Belize - which has been a blast!

3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it? (Thanks Bree for the question) Skydiving - but not til I am at my goal weight - so it's a ways away!

4) If you could only watch one disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why? Finding Nemo - I know it's Pixas but Disney owns Pixar now, so hopefully it counts still :)

5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme? Backe Backe Kuchen - it's a German nursery rhyme that is the equivalent of Pat-a-Cake...I taught it to my preschoolers when I was teaching back in the day and they loved it!

6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not? Two Golden Retrievers - Sadie and Garnett

7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color? HAHAHAHA!! Not even close! According to one of my favorite hairdressers, my color would be "squirrel" right now - ALOT of white.

8) What do you like to do in your spare time? I feel like all I do now is become a couch potato...I'd like to start doing more once I am feeling more like myself again. I love to bake, read, take the dogs for walks with J.

9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? (Thanks April for the question) Midnight blue - this was always my favorite color in the 64 pack when I was growing up.

10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it? Alaska - went with my brother and SIL when she had to go to Anchorage for a business trip.

11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone? Ugh - I was old - 30ish

2nd part of the fun...my 11 nominations:

Toni @Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"?

Elizabeth @Bebe Suisse
Jenny @Stupid Stork

Tami @Submerged

Trufflelove

Jenny @Sprout

The Barren Librian

Janet @Just a Little Off Kilter

Jenn @The Future Fords

Ducky @I'm Just Ducky, Thanks!

EmHart @Follow Every Rainbow 

3rd part of the fun...my 11 questions:

1) What is your favorite guilty pleasure song?

2) Do you watch reality tv? What is your favorite reality tv show?

3) If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?

4) What is your favorite dish to bring to a pot-luck meal?

5) If you were a cupcake, what type would you be?

6) How many different places have you lived? Where?

7) What is your favorite book?

8) What is your favorite time of year?

9) What is your favorite breakfast food?

10) Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

11) Do you believe in ghosts?

Stormy Friday

It's a very gray day here in San Antonio...it's turning my mood pretty gray as well. A few good things to report though...the cold front came through last night and Garnett did not have a seizure. We are thinking that his last couple of seizures have been triggered by excitement combined with a cold front coming into the area. We did our best to keep the puppies calm last night and it seemed to help...also helped that the cold front came through after they were in their crates for the night. The vet has offered to give us a prescription for Val.ium to keep him extra calm, if necessary. We haven't tried it yet, but last night we tried Pet.co's version of "doggie downers"...um, yeah, didn't touch the boy. lol. On another "positive" note...due to the weather I got to wear jeans and a sweatshirt today. J laughs when I get excited to wear a sweatshirt. It doesn't happen often enough down here. Unfortunately, I think I am becoming a bit of a wimp with the cold. It drops to 60 and I am grabbing my Cape Cod sweatshirt. :)

As for the mood...it seems so hard to believe that it's been 2 weeks since I was pregnant. I keep thinking this wasn't supposed to happen this time. I haven't cried in the shower for the last two days, so that is a step forward, but I still have a hard time falling asleep and haven't gone to bed without crying yet. Baby steps, I guess. Physically, I am doing well...bleeding is pretty much done - just some spotting. I have to admit, this has me a little worried...it doesn't seem like it lasted long enough. Thankfully, we are going in for a follow-up on Monday. I have not heard if they were able to do any testing...I've been tempted to email Dr. A to see if it  had been done, but haven't yet.

I've also realized that I need to bit the bullet and contact an endocrinologist about my thyroid. I have no idea why my levels changed this past year and without knowing what's next for us with Dr. A, I know I need to see someone to make sure it's monitored.

I still just want to run away to Belize...anyone want to join me? IF blogger meet-up at the Sunbreeze?!?

Husband of the Year Award

J is definitely in the running. :) We use gchat during the day to chit chat. Sometimes (read most) I get irritated when he doesn't let me know he'll be offline for awhile. After his lunch break yesterday he was offline for an hour or so...when he did say hello I replied with "didn't realize you'd be busy after lunch"...he said I looked tired and did I want some iced coffee. I said "nope...still trying to keep the caffeine consumption down"...imagine my surprise when he said "Well, I have an iced coffee for you..drink half?" I asked where he was and he said watching me...I checked the windows, no one was at the front door of the office. He IM'd that I looked the wrong way...I finally got up to check the door and there he was standing there with a DUNKIN DONUT'S iced coffee. Why the caps?? There are only 2 Dunkins here in San Antonio...one on the wrong side of security at the airport and one on "the other side" of town. He went to the ghetto to get me coffee. :) J said he wanted to do something special for me that wasn't flowers. Iced coffee was more than special. OMG - was it amazing!! I was so hyper afterwards!! I talked to my mom on my ride home from work and she commented on how I sounded better. I said it was the caffeine talking. J noticed I was a bit hyper when I got home too and didn't mind at all. :)

Take 2

I made it to work this morning. Another day I am so glad I have the 1st floor of the office to myself. Only downfall is I am thirsty and need to go upstairs for water. :( Really avoiding going up there. Only a select few know about what I've gone through but I am still dreading it. I have such a hard time with sympathetic looks...I know people mean well, but it hurts to see the pain in their eyes when they look at me. It happened on Monday at the doctor's office when the tech showed me to the room for the scan. J reminded me this morning it's because people care not because they are pitying me.

I am really glad I stayed home yesterday. Spent part of the day as a couch potato and the other part being semi-productive. We did little things around the house. I also made carrot cake cupcakes from scratch - they turned out really yummy! My guilty pleasure tv show has been Bunheads...it's part Gilmore Girls and part Facts of Life. It's really helped take my mind off of things for short periods of time. Even J had fun watching part of it with me. :)

Here's my view from my desk looking upstairs...really glad I am alone on days like this. Now it's time to turn on some Dave Matthews.

So just after I hit publish my boss came downstairs with something for me to ship out. He asked if I was doing okay and said that if I need more time off not to worry about it. If I need to just do half-days this week, that is okay too. He said the importand thing is to get myself back to a good spot. Of course, the tears started right after he left. I can't express enough how greatful I am for such an understanding boss. He has been so good to me through all of this.

I tried...

I tried to go to work today...got to the parking lot and that was as far as I made it. I started to lose it as I got closer to work and then really lost it in the parking lot. I am so greatful that I have such an understanding boss...I sent him a text letting him know I couldn't do it today and he said "No worries. Take your time." J arranged it so he can work from home again today. It's nice to have him home even if he has to work.

Really wish I was here:

Today

I am so glad I took today off. We had to drop off the "specimen" (Dr. C's words...not mine...I have no idea what the right words are, so I am using his for now.)...it was nothing short of miserable. Thankfully, the waiting room was empty when I had to explain when I was there. I thought we were just dropping it off and leaving. The receptionist went to the back to let someone know why we were there and said "They'll be right with you.".  While we were waiting a patient showed up with her son, who must have been about 3 or so. Needless to say both J and I were irritated. It was actually J tthat brought it up when we were in the car after the appointment...he said "Don't people know not to bring their kids to these appointments."

Lucky me, got to have an ultrasound just to make sure everything was going okay. I did express my concern that it seemed like I hadn't passed enough yet and I was right. Dr. C said I have another 2-3 days to go. I'm scheduled to go back again next Monday to make sure everything went the right way. I did get a little annoyed when he said they were going to put the "sample" into some saline solution...wish he had mentioned that on Saturday  night when I called. We have a crap-load leftover from the meds. Really hoping they are able to do the testing on Fred so we know what went wrong.

I am going to attempt to go back to work tomorrow...not sure if I'll make it a full day or not.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Here's where I am at right now...

The Good:

J: I could not ask for a better husband. He has been amazing throughout all of this. Lots of comfort food :) Chinese food on Friday night and Rudy's bbq yesterday - both definitely helped.

Phone calls: I got to talk to one of my brothers tonight and that really helped. I hadn't talked to him since all of this started. I had my Mom fill him in when the pregnancy ended. It was really nice to talk to him.

I also talked to MIL tonight, which surprisingly enough, was really good. She could tell me enough how heartbroken they were for us and for themselves. She said if there was anything they could do to help they would do it in a heartbeat.

Cupcake brand wines: enough said.

The Bad:

Garnett had another seizure yesterday. It freaked me out again, but both Garnett and I came out of it much better than the one last week. (Oh yeah, that was another bad - there was a seizure last Saturday too.) The whole episode only lasted 3 minutes, so that goes into the good category.  Garnett did much better this time...when he came out of it he was much more alert this time. Just wish this would stop again. He went 11 months without one before the last three.

The Ugly:

The miscarriage happened last night. This may sound odd, but it wasn't as awful as I had thought it would be. It just seemed like the physical side of it should have been worse than what it's been so far. I've been crying off and on since Monday and that hasn't stopped. This may be TMI for some and if you are squeamish you may want to skip this...I was able to catch the sac so it can be tested. I have to bring it in to the doctor's office tomorrow morning.

I know I haven't replied to all of your comments, and I apologize for that. PLEASE know how much all of them mean to me...like I said before each and every comment feels like a big hug and I truly appreciate all of your love and support. THANK YOU!!

Distraction

I've fallen off with Jenn's writing prompts but decided I needed the distraction today so here I am. :)

October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.

K - kind

E - empathetic

L - lovable

L - lovely

Y - young-at-heart

I hate being in limbo just waiting for something to happen. Dr. A leaves on Friday for a conference and won't be back until next Wednesday. If nothing has happened by then, J and I will talk about the D&C. So odd to be looking for the spotting now. For the last month I've not allowed myself to look at the TP and now I am over-analyzing it. This really sucks.

Thank you again, for all of the love and support you have sent my way...it means more than my words can express.

Thank you

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who stopped by with their love & support. It meant so much to me. I cried when I read each comment but it truly felt like I was getting a hug from each and everyone one of you.

I am at work today - it's one of the few days I am happy that I sit on a separate floor from the rest of the team. I've had to talk to two people so far and have only cried once (at work). Not sure if I'll make it the full day or not but I figured I'd try. Still waiting for something to start...I think if it doesn't happen by next week we'll talk about the option of the D&C. I was really hoping to avoid it.

We also decided to push the in-laws visit out by 3 weeks...I was so happy that MIL was okay with that.

I bought a new charm yesterday for my necklace. I hate that I had to add another one but it feels good to have something to touch when I think about Fred.

(not the best picture of the charm...it has moonstone hearts)

Ironic

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and today we found out that Fred is no longer with us.

I woke up with "things" on my back. My back breaks out with these hive-like things before my period and it's happened to me before each miscarriage. I had J look at my back before my shower and when he looked he said let's call Dr. A. We got in right away and as soon as the image was on the screen we knew it was over - there was no flicker. Dr. A tried to find the heartbeat but it was already gone.

Hormones and MIL visit

The in-laws are coming in next week for their first visit in over 3 years. Of course it's happening at a time when my hormones are raging. J asked me last night what I thought about telling his mom about how I am not always myself right now and sometimes I react to situations differently than I normally would. (Read over-react to situations.) I am not sure how I feel about this so I thought I'd turn to y'all for some advice and your thoughts. I'll give you a little background on my relationship with MIL first...

We rarely talk unless we are in person. It used to be that she only talked to me when I was pregnant and even that stopped. I used to get texts and emails from her but even those stopped. I'd like to say oh well, but there are times when it hurts my feelings.  A congratulations text or email would have been nice. I haven't said anything because I don't think my family (except my Mom) has done the same for J so I can't really say much. She's "passed her love along" through J but nothing direct (my family has done the same "Tell J we how happy we are for the both of you.") J's mom is also known to hold grudges for far longer than any person should and that is what he's most worried about. He's worried that I might snap and she'll take it personally and there will be more damage done.

She's already held  grudge against me once...that started on our wedding day. The morning of the wedding while I was getting ready she and her husband came to see me and present me with a necklace. Well, I did not wear it during the wedding because, big surprise here, I already had my jewelry picked out. I had borrowed a ring from her as my "something borrowed" so it's not like she hadn't contributed to the day. Anywhoo...she was upset and pretty much stopped talking to me that day. It really bothered me for awhile but I eventually just let it go.

I am anxious enough about this visist and I'm just not sure if telling her that my hormones are giving me a hard time is worth it. I don't want her feeling like she's walking on eggshells around me. UGH! Any thoughts??

Catching up on the Writing Prompts

October 9: If given the choice, how would you choose to die?
October 10: What is your biggest fear?
October 11: If you could change one thing about your personal appearance, what would it be and why?
Oct 9: If I am being selfish I want it to happen quickly...preferably in my sleep, BUT I want time to say good-bye...

Oct 10: Years ago when I did one of those "25 things about me" on facebook I listed one of my biggest fears being that I wouldn't be able to have children...well, that fear hasn't really gone away, it's just changed. One of my other big fears is having something happen to someone I love. Poor J, I am constantly telling him to be careful. BUT in my defense had he never gotten injured at the company picnic 3 years ago I might not say it as much. Long story short...he was tossing a football with one of the kids there and rather than letting the long pass go he tried to catch it. He met up with a low brick wall...dislocated his finger and broke several ribs. I still can't think of it without getting the heebie-jeebies.

Oct 11: My boobs! they are far too big for my liking...I know part of it is my weight but even at my thinnest I was still a 36D...now it's more like a 40DDD :(

Update

We went in today for the second ultrasound...this is the first time we've ever done this during a pregnancy, so that was a milestone by itself. We saw our little Fred again. :) Heart was beating strong - 135 - growth was good according to Dr. A. It was not what I was hoping for. I am 7w2d and Fred was measuring between 6w3d and 6w5d. Dr. A said he was happy and to not worry about it. Both J and I expressed that I've been pretty anxious for the past week. He told me to not waste my energy imagining things and to not focus on anything negative. I am doing my best to look at all the good things happening here and not focusing on the numbers.

When we had ultrasounds with pregnancy #1 and #3 I figured I was 8 weeks and I measured 6 weeks both times. The baby is not even a week behind right now and we saw the heartbeat right away....just need to keep reminding myself of all the positives. :)

We also found out that we are going to be going in for weekly u/s until week 11 or 12. He said it's TLC for RPL patients. SO glad this is something they offer! I also love the fact we've seen Dr. A for both appointments.

Dave

October 6: Who is you current favorite band?
October 7: If you could sleep with any celebrity who would it be?

Two words for both: Dave Matthews :)

October 8: If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why?

I went to school to become a Child Life Specialist and for one reason or another never did pursue it after college. If I could have any job in the whold wide world that would be it...I'd love to be a Child Life Specialist.

Waiting for Wednesday

The days between appointments can't seem to go by quick enough for me. I felt great last Tuesday and Wednesday after the first u/s but once Thursday rolled around the anxiety started creeping back in. I hate that I can't just relax and enjoy what is happening. I am hoping if we get past 9 weeks I will have an easier time relaxing. I also don't think it helps that the timing is so close to our third pregnacy. I am about a week off  from where I was a year ago, so more than once I have caught myself comparing what was happening then with what is happening now and not in a positive way. I really need to find a way to focus on the positive and realize that if something goes wrong now more likely than not there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

My fingers are crossed that all will go just fine on Wednesday. Thanks for listening :)

Sigh of relief

I am breathing a sigh of relief right now and it has nothing to do with the pregnancy. I just got the call from our Vet's office that all of Garnett's recent blood work all came back within normal limits. He had to have blood work done for the tick-borne disease he caught this summer, to check the chemistry level of Phenobartibal in his system and his liver levels (due the phenobarbital)...I was SO happy to hear that everything came back normal! He's on the pheno due to his seizures, which - knock on wood - have not happened again since we've gotten him back on track with him meds!!

Favorite book

October 5: What is your favorite book?

I love to read, but don't do it nearly as much as I used to. When I used to commute via the train for my  job I read 2-4 books a month...I really miss spending that time reading, but I don't miss the almost 2 hour commute each way!

Here are my top two favorites:

Day 3 of Writing Prompts and (Almost)Wordless Wednesday

October 3: What is your most embarrassing moment?
I am am sure I have plenty of embarrassing moments that could be shared, but this is the one that always comes to my mind first when I think of the embarrassing moments I've had!

It happened back in the 4th grade...in grades 4-6 we had open classrooms, not necessarily open in the sense of teaching style but more in terms of the actual space. It was an very large open room that was then divided into three classrooms. You would move from one room to the next for different classes. Well, there was I was sitting in my seat, paying attention and minding my own business, but I could tell if I moved the wrong way a "toot" might escape. I did my best not to move. Next thing you know my pencil rolled off my desk and I oh so carefully bent over to pick it up and "toot"!! Of course everyone near me heard it and of course, it was right before we had to switch classrooms. By the time we had switched and we all in the next class I think almost the entire 4th grade knew what had just happened!!

Now for something much better than "tooting" :)

West Bay beach in Roatan...where we honeymooned...how I wish I was sitting on the beach right about now!

Another challenge

I decided to jump on board with Jenn at The Future Fords for her October writing prompts. The list looks like a lot of fun. :)

October 1: What is your astrological sign and do you feel it’s accurate?

I am a Sagittarius. I have to admit I do not follow my horoscope today the way I did when I was younger, but when I see the traits I know I have them in me!!

October 2: How did you husband/spouse/partner propose?
J and I were together about 2.5 years when he proposed. There were a lot of times when I wished he had proposed sooner but I don't think the timing was right for him. When I met him he had just come out of a 10 (or was it 12) year relationship so it definitely took time for him to completely let her go. There are stories I could tell but I won't, because I am still trying to let go of some of that crap from the beginning of our relationship. Anywhooo...the good stuff: our proposal!!

I wasn't sure when it was going to happen, but I knew it was going to happen somewhat soon because J had started saying he was going to love me "til happily ever after". We had talked about rings and J had told me that when it was time we'd look together. One day while we were still living in MA he took me out for a special shopping trip and I really thought that was it we were going to look for rings! I was wrong. :( It was still a fun day (Wrentham Outlets and Patriots Place) but it turned out he was shopping for a Wii for me. lol.

In February 2010 we had friends who were getting married on a cruise and we were both really, really looking forward to the trip. We had just moved to TX in January and couldn't wait to see our friends again even thought it had only been 2 months since we had last seen them. It was an amazing time. Their wedding is still one of the most fun I've been too. The cruise was great, too...it was through the Eastern Carribean with the last day being on the island of Labadee. At the time we were both Samantha Brown fans and couldn't wait to see the rock formation that looked and sounded like a dragon.

When we got to the beach at Labadee J wanted to go in the water first but I pretty much insisted we go see the "dragon" first because we had to walk to it and I didn't want to get wet and then have to walk over to it. So we relaxed on some chairs first and J was taking notes...I asked him about it but was told I was being too nosy. Once he was finally finished we walked over. There was a little beach on the way to the dragon that we stopped at to take some pictures. I was standing down on the beach and started to follow J back up to the path and he told me to wait there. When he came back he threw a Propel water bottle into the water and said "Go get it." (I still laugh at that part!) Well, thankfully he didn't throw it far...when I opened it there was J's note "Will you marry me?" I squealed, hugged him, told him I loved him and he put the ring on my finger. :) Turns out that when J walked back up the path he asked someone to record what was happening. We took some pictures and then went up to see the dragon.

After seeing the dragon we made our way back to the beach and went swimming. While we were swimming J said "So, um, you never did answer me...Will you marry me?" I giggled and finally said yes!

That night when we were at dinner our table was practically empty - only one other friend there. I have never used my left hand so much!! We finally had to show her because she did not pick up on the clues at all!! After dinner we went to a show with the group...when it was over we were chatting with the bride and she asked what we did that day. I put my hand up and she said "You did FIVE things today?!?" I just laughed and said  no and had to point to the ring!! hehe. There was ALOT of celebrating done that night...way too many mojitos and then we all went back to the bride and groom's suite to toast with champagne. J and I finally went to bed around 5 and pretty much fell asleep sitting up because we were both too afraid to lay down. It was definitely a very fun time!!

First Ultrasound

I am happy to report that all went well today!! I am beyond excited and giddy right now. Needless to say, I was anxious before the appointment - up an hour earlier than normal. We were able to have our appointment with Dr. A, which was beyond great. Once the wand was in place it just took a moment for him to find what he was looking for. As soon as we spotted the sac we could see there was someone inside it with a beating heart! J spotted it right away. Dr. A said he was surprised that we were at that point...he didn't really expect it today. He said I am 6w1d and the baby was measuring at 6weeks so we are right on time. I've never had that before. For the two pregnancies where we did get to an ultrasound we measured 2 weeks behind.

I have definitely let out a sigh of relief for today...I am going to do my best to enjoy the moment and not get too carried away one way or the other.

Less than 24 hours to go...

Until our first ultrasound...I don't know if I can describe how anxious I am about this. I am trying to stay calm but now that we are down to the wire I can feel the anxiety waying on me. I had a dream the other night that when we went for the u/s there was nothing to be seen and I got pissed at the doctor. I couldn't understand how all my beta numbers were so good and he couldn't see anything. The last night I dreamt that we had a gender reveal party and my Mom got the message wrong and had the cupcakes frosted pink and I knew right away what I was having. My dreams and sleeping have been all over the place.

I definitely have some symptoms - wake up nauseous and have bouts of nausea during the day, my sense of smell is out of whack, feel bloated, super sore girls at the end of the day but the one that hit me the most was when coffee did not seem appealing anymore. (decaf, of course...I am two days without any coffee) Part of me still wonders if the symptoms are present due to the 2mL of PIO that is going into me every night. The doctor did say he was throwing the kitchen sink at me to help me stay pregnant, so hopefully they are real symptoms.

I am just so afraid that within two weeks this will all be over. During the two pregnancies where we had ultrasounds my dates told me I was around 8 weeks but I measured at 6 weeks plus a few days. I am so curious/anxious/scared as to what will or won't be seen tomorrow.

Photo challenge catch-up

A few more pictures for you...a little out of order, but hope you enjoy them. :)

19. Treasure

Me and my Nana when I was about a year and a half. I loved spending time with my Nana and treasure the relationship I had with her. I think it started was when I was 4 or 5 I would spend a week in the summer down at her house and I loved it! I was so spoiled. I give Nana credit for my love of crime shows. We used to watch all the shows together when I was about 10 or so. Once school started up again in September I would call Nana for updates on the soaps too. :) It was so much fun and there are very few days that go by where I don't think of her.

26. Apple

No great apples down here in TX like there are up in New England, so for the past couple of years my Mom has shipped us apples. SO yummy! Here's a before and after picture of last year's apples.

27. Hope

Our embryo, Fred....really hoping things are going well...we will find out more on Tuesday when we go in for our first ultrasound. I've had lots of anxious moments this week (especially yesterday) so I am trying hard to stay positive and hope for the best.