Wednesday, June 27, 2012

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

This is one of our absolute favorite is Estel's on the Beach in Ambergris Caye, Belize. It's where I go when I need to find my "happy" spot :)

Monday, June 25, 2012

What's next

First of all I'd like to thank Melissa for adding me to the blogroll and a big thanks to anyone who found me as a result of LFCA. Thank you very much for your comments! While driving to work today I was thinking about our situation and how alone I feel most of the time. When I opened my email/blog this morning was greeted with comments. It was just what I needed today. :)

So next on the horizon for me is a hysteroscopy next Tuesday to get rid of a polyp that was discovered when I had my saline U/S and mock transfer. After that I am hoping for another try at IVF but we still need to talk about it. I truly hate that money is at the forefront of our conversations about what to do next. Paying for this out-of-pocket is miserable. I have a friend in MA who has been approved for 7 rounds of IVF by her insurance company. I almost fell off my chair when she told me that.

I go in to the RE's office on Friday for pre-op blood work...I am really, really hoping I have a different tech this time! Having a constant reminder on my arm of what I am going through is not fun at all. Oh yeah, I did finally hear about my bloodwork results - it was just as I had thought. BFN. Of course, that was not simple either...I had called last Thursday and found out that they never took my blood out of the freezer so the test was not done until Friday. I received the results when I called to schedule the surgery.

Thursday, June 21, 2012


We are back from our time in MA...definitely a tough weekend for J. No one should have a Father's Day weekend like he did...on Friday we were "greeted" with CD1 and on Monday we went to the Memorial Service for his dad. It was really a 2-1 punch in the gut for him.

I was scheduled for a beta on the day we returned and I had really thought about blowing it off considering I did not think anything positive would come of it. I called to see if I had to go in for the bloodwork still and was told "Yes, some women bleed and are still pregnant." Really?!? I am 99% positive that I am not pregnant and really did not want someone giving me that little sliver of hope. To top it off I ended up with a nasty bruise from the draw. When I sat down the tech who was to draw my blood said "Oh, I remember are the hard stick." I really wanted to reply with "I remember you too - you are the one who caused me to bruise before the needle was even out of my arm." I am still waiting for the call for the results. I left a voicemail for the nurse...the waiting is killing me and has really put me into a foul mood today. Ugh.

Friday, June 15, 2012

CD 1

Enough said...

Going off the grid until next week so I can focus on supporting my husband this weekend.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


Warning - a pity party is about to begin as my inner-Nancy Kerrigan emerges.

Why? Why? Why me?????

I am 13dpiui and I started spotting last night. I really don't know what to think. It doesn't seem like it would be implantation bleeding. I tried so hard not get my hopes up to high during the last two weeks, but I admit it, I did. Especially when I had the hot flashes last week and Dr. told me that could be a sign of implantation. J and I joked about me having triplets because of the 3 mature follicles. I feel like those hopes came crashing down last night. I am still spotting today. I have cramps and feel bloated...signs of AF or being pregnant. It wasn't like this weekend wasn't going to be tough enough.

It's J's first Father's Day without his dad and the 2nd one without being a dad. We are going home to bury his dad this weekend. The services were pushed out to June so more family could attend. Once the date was set those family members who asked for the services to be moved announced they won't be able to attend. Really?!?! I don't care that you had issues with your father - you have siblings who are going to need you at this time. Be there for them! Oh my - so many emotions all at once. It's left me feeling quite miserable.

Oh wait, let's add one more...if our first pregnancy had been successful we would have added a first birthday to this weekend as well.

I would love a nice glass of red wine but until I know what's going on with this spotting it's off limits.

Again I go back to Nancy Kerrigan:  "Why? Why? Why me????????????"

Monday, June 11, 2012

Single digits

Only 9 more days until I go in for my beta...this has been the longest 2ww for us. It's had a lot of lows and a few highs. Yesterday was the first day since being on the proges.terone that I felt normal. Of course, I worried about that and wondered if it meant I was not pregnant. I told myself and my husband that I won't POAS before the beta. I was tempted to over the weekend - really glad that we did not have any in the house.

I am trying hard to stay positive but it's been tricky to be positive when dealing with the mood swings. I've been pretty miserable. I seem to flip out at the littlest things. Saturday night I was trying to shoo a big beetle out of the backyard so the puppies wouldn't get it...well, the beetle did not enjoy that and started going after my leg. Maybe he wasn't really going after me but it felt like it. J was standing in the door laughing and I completely lost it. I burst into tears. It didn't help that we had been at J's company picnic that day and it was a babyfest. There were SO many babies there - I knew there would be a lot of kids but I was not really prepared for all the babies. J told me how proud he was of me for putting on a happy face even if I was not feeling that way inside. I have to say I was pretty impressed with myself as well.

Monday, June 4, 2012

16 more days

Not that I am counting or anything...

Last Thursday I went in for the IUI. It went okay...I was pretty disappointed that Dr. A was not the doctor who was performing the procedure. It turns out he was disappointed as well...he called that evening to apologize for not being there and to see how I was doing. It felt like he was sincere so it really meant a lot to me. He also said the numbers looked great. He said J deserved a gold star! It made me breathe a sigh of relief as the doctor we saw said the sample looked "pretty good". I could not get the words "pretty good" out of my head until I received the call from Dr. A. It ended up taking the doctor three times to get the catheter in there correctly. By the third time the tears started streaming down my cheeks; J whipped out his phone and pulled up pictures of our last trip to Belize. It was a huge help! Now we are in the longest 2ww ever in our TTC history. We were scheduled to go in for bloodwork on June 18th but that is not possible as we are traveling for the memorial service for J's dad. So June 20th it is...we get off the plane and head directly to the dr's office.

I did a pretty good job staying distracted this weekend - basketball definitely helped. Now to stay distracted during the work week. Work does not really provide enough of a distraction.