Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I miss her

This is me the week of our wedding...this is me before 4 miscarriages...this is me before 2 surgeries in 6 months...this is me before my thyroid decided to go wonky. I miss that "me".


I have been so moody since the surgery last week...I really didn't expect that part of the procedure at all. I did my best to prepare myself for the physical side of it but completely spaced on the emotional side. J and I have snapped at each other more in the past week than we have in a long time. He commented on it the other night and said we really need to work harder at not butting heads so often. I completely agree! I hate it. I really want us to figure out how to get it to stop before going home to MA for the holidays. I can't imagine what would happen if I snapped at him in front of his mom...ugh. We snapped in front of my Mom, but she "got it"...she understood we were both under stress; especially J, because it happened as he was going back to work.

I have an appointment on Monday with Dr. S, my therapist, and J is going with me. I think it will be really good for both of us. My last appointment with her went well, but went in a direction that I did not see coming. When I left I wondered how we spent my whole appointment talking about alternative ways for J and I to become parents when I am still reeling from the last loss. I have had such a tough time recovering emotionally from this one...I find myself thinking "Why me?" a lot and I don't like how that feels. I had a meltdown over the weekend because I am tired of feeling so broken. I want to feel positive about what's next...problem is, I don't know what's next.

Tuesday is the follow-up appointment with Dr. A ...hoping that helps us start a conversation about what's next for us.

Next time I promise to bring some cheese to go with my whine!

21 comments:

  1. Well it sounds like you have everything in place to move forward. You need time #1, you are seeing your therapist and you have follow up appointment to maybe get you excited about moving forward?

    Sending you a big (((Hug))))

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    1. Thank you :) I think sometimes I need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and to ask for hugs when I need them!

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  2. Dude I think you're doing awesome. The very fact that you're able to say to each other 'hey we should quit snapping' is LIGHTYEARS ahead of where most couples would be.

    It'll get better - it will it will. You had surgery (and at least for me when I'm on medication/have had a procedure I get more emotional and I am normally heartless robot). Plus it's the holidays - UGH.

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    1. Thanks :) I keep forgetting about what the damn bcps are doing to me too...damn hormones! and holidays!

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  3. You will pull through. This process is really stressful. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't freak out! Cut yourself some slack.

    Sometimes, I feel like I'm being overdramatic about something, then I go on fb and listen to people complain about the most mundane things and then I know... Other people couldn't handle this shit.

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  4. Oh honey I know how you feel. I know our paths are soo different but I was also just thinking that I don't know where *I* have gone.
    Thinking of you and glad that the surgery went ok.

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    1. Thank you :) Thinking of you too and sending hugs your way!

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  5. I hope you get some guidance and a plan at your next appt

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  6. If I only knew the answers to those questions. Wrapping you in light and love. xo

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    1. Thank you :) Sending hugs right back at you!

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  7. Ugh... what a sucktastic time you must be having. As Stork said, though, you should feel proud that you're doing everything you can -- it may not feel like you're moving forward, but you ARE being proactive, between the therapist and the appointment with your doc. In my experience, having a plan just makes all the difference, even if that plan is just "focus on improving your own health this month". Goals are good, even little ones. Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks :) I like your idea of the small goals...I think it will help me feel like I am doing something.

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  8. I think that given the circumstances and all the carp that you have been through, in my books, you are doing an amazing job! Thinking of you Kelly and hoping that things turn around quickly! (Hugs)

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  9. Oh KelBel. I think you're fantabulous. With everything you've been through you are ALWAYS a positive force on my blog comments. I think you have so much strength. Don't ever doubt that about yourself.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words :)

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  10. Don't be too hard on your self. We are here to hear the crappy stuff as well as the fun stuff. If only we really could get together over some cheese and wine.

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    1. Thank you :) I definitely have a tendency to be too hard on myself...

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  11. I don't know what I can add because everyone has said it all but I will ditto how awesome you are and how strong you are!!! It is amazing the strength we have to find but we do it!

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