Call me clueless...I had no idea that Halloween would have such a negative effect on me. J and I
were dorks had fun last night sitting outside with the dogs waiting for the trick-or-treaters to arrive. We did enjoy a couple of hard ciders while sitting out there and the dogs loved being outside. We brushed both of them quite a bit. :) Despite not being to the groomers for a month now, they looked really shiny and had soft coats. We didn't get that many kids and only one little one. He was an awfully cute Kermit the Frog - he was out with his older brothers and sisters...J decided his mom had enough kids and we should have just grabbed him. lol
Once we were done with the "festivities" and making dinner I lost it. I realized that if the first pregnancy had been successful we would have had a toddler by now. I melted. I had another hard time falling asleep and even a harder time waking up this morning. J thought he was being good and let me sleep until the last possible moment. Unfortunately, it backfired...I woke up super crabby and complaining about everything. I have yet to shake that crappy feeling, despite having leftover Halloween candy for breakfast.
I am definitely calling the therapist that was recommended to me today.
Sorry I didn't serve any cheese with the whine today...
I don't know of one of us that haven't thought about that on a certain day or any day in general. I think about my failed pregnancies and how far I would have been or when the baby would have been due. What you are feeling is totally natural and don't confuse it for whining, seriously.
ReplyDeleteOh darling. These days are the worst. I am just so sorry still that you are going through this. I agree with everything Toni said. What you are feeling is normal and anyone in your situation would be feelings this way. Sending you so so many hugs.
ReplyDeleteIt's impossible not to imagine what might have been - it's not wallowing, or whining, or anything inappropriate at all. It's the absolute normal train of thought for your grief, which is real and valid. I'm so sorry that you're having to navigate this all over again. Please be kind to yourself, Halloween candy, hard ciders, whatever sounds like it will feel good. I hope the counselor is very helpful, too. I wish I would not have waited until after my fourth loss to reach out and find one who specializes in pregnancy loss. There unfortunately is no magic bullet that will really make it all better, but cobbling together the little things that help you care for yourself is so important. I hope you can find small moments of peace here and there among the other things you're bound to be feeling.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry!!!
ReplyDeleteDon't you worry about the cheese - we'll bring it. Not that you're whining, of course ... it's so difficult when a something comes along to remind us what could have been, but what isn't. I'm so sorry Halloween was that to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you! You bring the hard cheese and I'll make sure I have juice as well as wine. :)
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