Send some love

Please go send some love to Tami today, as she and her husband found out that their pregnancy is no longer viable. My heart is breaking for her.

Liebster Nominee #2 and a story for you

A BIG thank you to BFPEnvy for nominating me for the Liebster Award...I am honored :)

Here are my answers to her great questions...

1. Where is the most exciting place you have traveled to? It's a tie between Anchorage and Belize
2. Do you prefer chips or cookies? Cookies - preferably homemade chocolate chip
3. Coffe or tea? coffee, but I also love a good cup of English Breakfast tea
4. What is one thing you always carry with you in your purse? feminine supplies...if every I am running low all I have to do is going searching in pocketbooks not in use.
5. Do you typically wear high heels or flats? flats...nothing like having broken your foot and twisting your ankle to make you switch to flats
6. What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Red Wine - The Dreaming Tree Cabernet Sauvignon is a new favorite...Cupcake wines are also very yummy!
7. What is your favorite book and why? Such a tough decision...Jane Eyre is at the top of my list along with  Harry Potter.
8. If you won a million dollars, what is the first big purchase you would splurge on? a house in Belize
9. Who is your celebrity crush? Dave Matthews
10. What is the last movie that you watched that made you cry? Haven't watched any movies lately that have made  me cry, but commercials?!? They are getting me left and right lately - especially the Subaru commercial with the chocolate lab.
11. What is one wonderful thing you would like to share about your significant other: He's great at surprising me with little things...like last week's iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts :)

I think all the ladies on my reading list have been nominated, so I am not adding any nominations right now...you are all wonderful and I treasure you!!

I heard from Dr. A's office with the results from yesterday's bloodwork...hcg is down to 70...so I get to back next Monday for another stick. I wish I could go on Saturday instead...going to see if that is possible.

My Mom told me a great story from her job yesterday that I want to share with you. My Mom works on the Maternity Ward at a local hospital...while going over one of the charts with an aide it was noted that a patient had 8 pregnancies but only 3 live births (there is a technical term for this but I don't remember what it is). The aide looked at it and said "Wow can you believe her numbers?!?!" My Mom looked at her and said "T, you have no idea what this woman's story is and you cannot judge her based on those numbers. When my daughter has a baby her numbers are going to be 5 and 1." My Mom said T's face just dropped. She apologized and said that my Mom was right - you have no idea what the story is behind the numbers. I was so proud of my Mom for standing up for that patient and saying something to the aide.

Monday, Monday

We started our day off at Dr. A's office this morning for the follow-up appointment. I am happy to say that everything looked good - no need for surgery!! I had to have blood taken as well to make sure my hcg level is down to zero...I really, really hope it is so I don't have to go back for another blood draw this week. Dr. A also said they should have the pathology report back in another couple of weeks. Once they are back we are going to go in and chat with Dr. A about the results and what is next for us. Truly, I have no idea what is next. I am trying really hard to just heal from what has happened and not think about what's next yet.

I also got the name of a therapist. I had seen one a couple of times after the 3rd m/c...she was good but not great. I think my big turn-off was after the last appointment when I was talking about everything I was dealing with and she said "So what is it that I can do for you?" Um, I just gave you a BUNCH of material...can't you find a way to help? I was just really surprised when she asked.

It's still sunny and cool here in SA but should be getting warmer this week. Back up into the 70s...I can't believe what a wimp I've become since moving south. Speaking of weather, our thoughts are with all of our friends and family up north who are in the path of Sandy. Stay safe my friends!!

Liebster Blog Award - Updated

WOW! I've been nominated for the Liebster Blog Award by my friend Amanda at Growing Griswolds...THANK YOU :)

Here is some info on the award (courtsey of Amanda): What is a Liebster Blog Award? The Liebster Blog Award is given to up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.
What does it mean to me? Someone cares about me and my little blog. :)

Now for the first fun part...answering Amanda's questions:

1) If you were a pickle in a jar, where would you want to be and why? I'd want to be a sweet gherkin and I think I'd want to be right in the middle so I am protected by the pickles around me.

2) What is your favorite holiday? Thanksgiving...I've always loved helping get the  meal ready - especially making an apple pie. I love how it's not as commercialized as Christmas. For the last 2 years we've celebrated Thanksgiving in Belize - which has been a blast!

3) If you have a bucket list, what is the most ridiculous thing on it? (Thanks Bree for the question) Skydiving - but not til I am at my goal weight - so it's a ways away!

4) If you could only watch one disney movie for the rest of your life, which one would it be and why? Finding Nemo - I know it's Pixas but Disney owns Pixar now, so hopefully it counts still :)

5) What is your favorite nursery rhyme? Backe Backe Kuchen - it's a German nursery rhyme that is the equivalent of Pat-a-Cake...I taught it to my preschoolers when I was teaching back in the day and they loved it!

6) Do you have any pets? If no, why not? Two Golden Retrievers - Sadie and Garnett

7) Is your current hair color your natural hair color? HAHAHAHA!! Not even close! According to one of my favorite hairdressers, my color would be "squirrel" right now - ALOT of white.

8) What do you like to do in your spare time? I feel like all I do now is become a couch potato...I'd like to start doing more once I am feeling more like myself again. I love to bake, read, take the dogs for walks with J.

9) If you could be any crayon color, which would you choose to be? (Thanks April for the question) Midnight blue - this was always my favorite color in the 64 pack when I was growing up.

10) What is the furthest you have been away from home and where was it? Alaska - went with my brother and SIL when she had to go to Anchorage for a business trip.

11) How old were you when you got your first cell phone? Ugh - I was old - 30ish

2nd part of the fun...my 11 nominations:

Toni @Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"?

Elizabeth @Bebe Suisse
Jenny @Stupid Stork

Tami @Submerged

Trufflelove

Jenny @Sprout

The Barren Librian

Janet @Just a Little Off Kilter

Jenn @The Future Fords

Ducky @I'm Just Ducky, Thanks!

EmHart @Follow Every Rainbow 

3rd part of the fun...my 11 questions:

1) What is your favorite guilty pleasure song?

2) Do you watch reality tv? What is your favorite reality tv show?

3) If you could travel anywhere in the world where would you go?

4) What is your favorite dish to bring to a pot-luck meal?

5) If you were a cupcake, what type would you be?

6) How many different places have you lived? Where?

7) What is your favorite book?

8) What is your favorite time of year?

9) What is your favorite breakfast food?

10) Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

11) Do you believe in ghosts?

Stormy Friday

It's a very gray day here in San Antonio...it's turning my mood pretty gray as well. A few good things to report though...the cold front came through last night and Garnett did not have a seizure. We are thinking that his last couple of seizures have been triggered by excitement combined with a cold front coming into the area. We did our best to keep the puppies calm last night and it seemed to help...also helped that the cold front came through after they were in their crates for the night. The vet has offered to give us a prescription for Val.ium to keep him extra calm, if necessary. We haven't tried it yet, but last night we tried Pet.co's version of "doggie downers"...um, yeah, didn't touch the boy. lol. On another "positive" note...due to the weather I got to wear jeans and a sweatshirt today. J laughs when I get excited to wear a sweatshirt. It doesn't happen often enough down here. Unfortunately, I think I am becoming a bit of a wimp with the cold. It drops to 60 and I am grabbing my Cape Cod sweatshirt. :)

As for the mood...it seems so hard to believe that it's been 2 weeks since I was pregnant. I keep thinking this wasn't supposed to happen this time. I haven't cried in the shower for the last two days, so that is a step forward, but I still have a hard time falling asleep and haven't gone to bed without crying yet. Baby steps, I guess. Physically, I am doing well...bleeding is pretty much done - just some spotting. I have to admit, this has me a little worried...it doesn't seem like it lasted long enough. Thankfully, we are going in for a follow-up on Monday. I have not heard if they were able to do any testing...I've been tempted to email Dr. A to see if it  had been done, but haven't yet.

I've also realized that I need to bit the bullet and contact an endocrinologist about my thyroid. I have no idea why my levels changed this past year and without knowing what's next for us with Dr. A, I know I need to see someone to make sure it's monitored.

I still just want to run away to Belize...anyone want to join me? IF blogger meet-up at the Sunbreeze?!?

Husband of the Year Award

J is definitely in the running. :) We use gchat during the day to chit chat. Sometimes (read most) I get irritated when he doesn't let me know he'll be offline for awhile. After his lunch break yesterday he was offline for an hour or so...when he did say hello I replied with "didn't realize you'd be busy after lunch"...he said I looked tired and did I want some iced coffee. I said "nope...still trying to keep the caffeine consumption down"...imagine my surprise when he said "Well, I have an iced coffee for you..drink half?" I asked where he was and he said watching me...I checked the windows, no one was at the front door of the office. He IM'd that I looked the wrong way...I finally got up to check the door and there he was standing there with a DUNKIN DONUT'S iced coffee. Why the caps?? There are only 2 Dunkins here in San Antonio...one on the wrong side of security at the airport and one on "the other side" of town. He went to the ghetto to get me coffee. :) J said he wanted to do something special for me that wasn't flowers. Iced coffee was more than special. OMG - was it amazing!! I was so hyper afterwards!! I talked to my mom on my ride home from work and she commented on how I sounded better. I said it was the caffeine talking. J noticed I was a bit hyper when I got home too and didn't mind at all. :)

Take 2

I made it to work this morning. Another day I am so glad I have the 1st floor of the office to myself. Only downfall is I am thirsty and need to go upstairs for water. :( Really avoiding going up there. Only a select few know about what I've gone through but I am still dreading it. I have such a hard time with sympathetic looks...I know people mean well, but it hurts to see the pain in their eyes when they look at me. It happened on Monday at the doctor's office when the tech showed me to the room for the scan. J reminded me this morning it's because people care not because they are pitying me.

I am really glad I stayed home yesterday. Spent part of the day as a couch potato and the other part being semi-productive. We did little things around the house. I also made carrot cake cupcakes from scratch - they turned out really yummy! My guilty pleasure tv show has been Bunheads...it's part Gilmore Girls and part Facts of Life. It's really helped take my mind off of things for short periods of time. Even J had fun watching part of it with me. :)

Here's my view from my desk looking upstairs...really glad I am alone on days like this. Now it's time to turn on some Dave Matthews.

So just after I hit publish my boss came downstairs with something for me to ship out. He asked if I was doing okay and said that if I need more time off not to worry about it. If I need to just do half-days this week, that is okay too. He said the importand thing is to get myself back to a good spot. Of course, the tears started right after he left. I can't express enough how greatful I am for such an understanding boss. He has been so good to me through all of this.

I tried...

I tried to go to work today...got to the parking lot and that was as far as I made it. I started to lose it as I got closer to work and then really lost it in the parking lot. I am so greatful that I have such an understanding boss...I sent him a text letting him know I couldn't do it today and he said "No worries. Take your time." J arranged it so he can work from home again today. It's nice to have him home even if he has to work.

Really wish I was here:

Today

I am so glad I took today off. We had to drop off the "specimen" (Dr. C's words...not mine...I have no idea what the right words are, so I am using his for now.)...it was nothing short of miserable. Thankfully, the waiting room was empty when I had to explain when I was there. I thought we were just dropping it off and leaving. The receptionist went to the back to let someone know why we were there and said "They'll be right with you.".  While we were waiting a patient showed up with her son, who must have been about 3 or so. Needless to say both J and I were irritated. It was actually J tthat brought it up when we were in the car after the appointment...he said "Don't people know not to bring their kids to these appointments."

Lucky me, got to have an ultrasound just to make sure everything was going okay. I did express my concern that it seemed like I hadn't passed enough yet and I was right. Dr. C said I have another 2-3 days to go. I'm scheduled to go back again next Monday to make sure everything went the right way. I did get a little annoyed when he said they were going to put the "sample" into some saline solution...wish he had mentioned that on Saturday  night when I called. We have a crap-load leftover from the meds. Really hoping they are able to do the testing on Fred so we know what went wrong.

I am going to attempt to go back to work tomorrow...not sure if I'll make it a full day or not.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Here's where I am at right now...

The Good:

J: I could not ask for a better husband. He has been amazing throughout all of this. Lots of comfort food :) Chinese food on Friday night and Rudy's bbq yesterday - both definitely helped.

Phone calls: I got to talk to one of my brothers tonight and that really helped. I hadn't talked to him since all of this started. I had my Mom fill him in when the pregnancy ended. It was really nice to talk to him.

I also talked to MIL tonight, which surprisingly enough, was really good. She could tell me enough how heartbroken they were for us and for themselves. She said if there was anything they could do to help they would do it in a heartbeat.

Cupcake brand wines: enough said.

The Bad:

Garnett had another seizure yesterday. It freaked me out again, but both Garnett and I came out of it much better than the one last week. (Oh yeah, that was another bad - there was a seizure last Saturday too.) The whole episode only lasted 3 minutes, so that goes into the good category.  Garnett did much better this time...when he came out of it he was much more alert this time. Just wish this would stop again. He went 11 months without one before the last three.

The Ugly:

The miscarriage happened last night. This may sound odd, but it wasn't as awful as I had thought it would be. It just seemed like the physical side of it should have been worse than what it's been so far. I've been crying off and on since Monday and that hasn't stopped. This may be TMI for some and if you are squeamish you may want to skip this...I was able to catch the sac so it can be tested. I have to bring it in to the doctor's office tomorrow morning.

I know I haven't replied to all of your comments, and I apologize for that. PLEASE know how much all of them mean to me...like I said before each and every comment feels like a big hug and I truly appreciate all of your love and support. THANK YOU!!

Distraction

I've fallen off with Jenn's writing prompts but decided I needed the distraction today so here I am. :)

October 18: Make an acrostic of your first name (or pseudonym) using each letter to describe yourself.

K - kind

E - empathetic

L - lovable

L - lovely

Y - young-at-heart

I hate being in limbo just waiting for something to happen. Dr. A leaves on Friday for a conference and won't be back until next Wednesday. If nothing has happened by then, J and I will talk about the D&C. So odd to be looking for the spotting now. For the last month I've not allowed myself to look at the TP and now I am over-analyzing it. This really sucks.

Thank you again, for all of the love and support you have sent my way...it means more than my words can express.

Thank you

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who stopped by with their love & support. It meant so much to me. I cried when I read each comment but it truly felt like I was getting a hug from each and everyone one of you.

I am at work today - it's one of the few days I am happy that I sit on a separate floor from the rest of the team. I've had to talk to two people so far and have only cried once (at work). Not sure if I'll make it the full day or not but I figured I'd try. Still waiting for something to start...I think if it doesn't happen by next week we'll talk about the option of the D&C. I was really hoping to avoid it.

We also decided to push the in-laws visit out by 3 weeks...I was so happy that MIL was okay with that.

I bought a new charm yesterday for my necklace. I hate that I had to add another one but it feels good to have something to touch when I think about Fred.

(not the best picture of the charm...it has moonstone hearts)

Ironic

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day and today we found out that Fred is no longer with us.

I woke up with "things" on my back. My back breaks out with these hive-like things before my period and it's happened to me before each miscarriage. I had J look at my back before my shower and when he looked he said let's call Dr. A. We got in right away and as soon as the image was on the screen we knew it was over - there was no flicker. Dr. A tried to find the heartbeat but it was already gone.

Hormones and MIL visit

The in-laws are coming in next week for their first visit in over 3 years. Of course it's happening at a time when my hormones are raging. J asked me last night what I thought about telling his mom about how I am not always myself right now and sometimes I react to situations differently than I normally would. (Read over-react to situations.) I am not sure how I feel about this so I thought I'd turn to y'all for some advice and your thoughts. I'll give you a little background on my relationship with MIL first...

We rarely talk unless we are in person. It used to be that she only talked to me when I was pregnant and even that stopped. I used to get texts and emails from her but even those stopped. I'd like to say oh well, but there are times when it hurts my feelings.  A congratulations text or email would have been nice. I haven't said anything because I don't think my family (except my Mom) has done the same for J so I can't really say much. She's "passed her love along" through J but nothing direct (my family has done the same "Tell J we how happy we are for the both of you.") J's mom is also known to hold grudges for far longer than any person should and that is what he's most worried about. He's worried that I might snap and she'll take it personally and there will be more damage done.

She's already held  grudge against me once...that started on our wedding day. The morning of the wedding while I was getting ready she and her husband came to see me and present me with a necklace. Well, I did not wear it during the wedding because, big surprise here, I already had my jewelry picked out. I had borrowed a ring from her as my "something borrowed" so it's not like she hadn't contributed to the day. Anywhoo...she was upset and pretty much stopped talking to me that day. It really bothered me for awhile but I eventually just let it go.

I am anxious enough about this visist and I'm just not sure if telling her that my hormones are giving me a hard time is worth it. I don't want her feeling like she's walking on eggshells around me. UGH! Any thoughts??

Catching up on the Writing Prompts

October 9: If given the choice, how would you choose to die?
October 10: What is your biggest fear?
October 11: If you could change one thing about your personal appearance, what would it be and why?
Oct 9: If I am being selfish I want it to happen quickly...preferably in my sleep, BUT I want time to say good-bye...

Oct 10: Years ago when I did one of those "25 things about me" on facebook I listed one of my biggest fears being that I wouldn't be able to have children...well, that fear hasn't really gone away, it's just changed. One of my other big fears is having something happen to someone I love. Poor J, I am constantly telling him to be careful. BUT in my defense had he never gotten injured at the company picnic 3 years ago I might not say it as much. Long story short...he was tossing a football with one of the kids there and rather than letting the long pass go he tried to catch it. He met up with a low brick wall...dislocated his finger and broke several ribs. I still can't think of it without getting the heebie-jeebies.

Oct 11: My boobs! they are far too big for my liking...I know part of it is my weight but even at my thinnest I was still a 36D...now it's more like a 40DDD :(

Update

We went in today for the second ultrasound...this is the first time we've ever done this during a pregnancy, so that was a milestone by itself. We saw our little Fred again. :) Heart was beating strong - 135 - growth was good according to Dr. A. It was not what I was hoping for. I am 7w2d and Fred was measuring between 6w3d and 6w5d. Dr. A said he was happy and to not worry about it. Both J and I expressed that I've been pretty anxious for the past week. He told me to not waste my energy imagining things and to not focus on anything negative. I am doing my best to look at all the good things happening here and not focusing on the numbers.

When we had ultrasounds with pregnancy #1 and #3 I figured I was 8 weeks and I measured 6 weeks both times. The baby is not even a week behind right now and we saw the heartbeat right away....just need to keep reminding myself of all the positives. :)

We also found out that we are going to be going in for weekly u/s until week 11 or 12. He said it's TLC for RPL patients. SO glad this is something they offer! I also love the fact we've seen Dr. A for both appointments.

Dave

October 6: Who is you current favorite band?
October 7: If you could sleep with any celebrity who would it be?

Two words for both: Dave Matthews :)

October 8: If you could have any job in the whole wide world regardless of your qualifications, what would you choose and why?

I went to school to become a Child Life Specialist and for one reason or another never did pursue it after college. If I could have any job in the whold wide world that would be it...I'd love to be a Child Life Specialist.

Waiting for Wednesday

The days between appointments can't seem to go by quick enough for me. I felt great last Tuesday and Wednesday after the first u/s but once Thursday rolled around the anxiety started creeping back in. I hate that I can't just relax and enjoy what is happening. I am hoping if we get past 9 weeks I will have an easier time relaxing. I also don't think it helps that the timing is so close to our third pregnacy. I am about a week off  from where I was a year ago, so more than once I have caught myself comparing what was happening then with what is happening now and not in a positive way. I really need to find a way to focus on the positive and realize that if something goes wrong now more likely than not there was nothing I could do to prevent it.

My fingers are crossed that all will go just fine on Wednesday. Thanks for listening :)

Sigh of relief

I am breathing a sigh of relief right now and it has nothing to do with the pregnancy. I just got the call from our Vet's office that all of Garnett's recent blood work all came back within normal limits. He had to have blood work done for the tick-borne disease he caught this summer, to check the chemistry level of Phenobartibal in his system and his liver levels (due the phenobarbital)...I was SO happy to hear that everything came back normal! He's on the pheno due to his seizures, which - knock on wood - have not happened again since we've gotten him back on track with him meds!!

Favorite book

October 5: What is your favorite book?

I love to read, but don't do it nearly as much as I used to. When I used to commute via the train for my  job I read 2-4 books a month...I really miss spending that time reading, but I don't miss the almost 2 hour commute each way!

Here are my top two favorites:

Day 3 of Writing Prompts and (Almost)Wordless Wednesday

October 3: What is your most embarrassing moment?
I am am sure I have plenty of embarrassing moments that could be shared, but this is the one that always comes to my mind first when I think of the embarrassing moments I've had!

It happened back in the 4th grade...in grades 4-6 we had open classrooms, not necessarily open in the sense of teaching style but more in terms of the actual space. It was an very large open room that was then divided into three classrooms. You would move from one room to the next for different classes. Well, there was I was sitting in my seat, paying attention and minding my own business, but I could tell if I moved the wrong way a "toot" might escape. I did my best not to move. Next thing you know my pencil rolled off my desk and I oh so carefully bent over to pick it up and "toot"!! Of course everyone near me heard it and of course, it was right before we had to switch classrooms. By the time we had switched and we all in the next class I think almost the entire 4th grade knew what had just happened!!

Now for something much better than "tooting" :)

West Bay beach in Roatan...where we honeymooned...how I wish I was sitting on the beach right about now!

Another challenge

I decided to jump on board with Jenn at The Future Fords for her October writing prompts. The list looks like a lot of fun. :)

October 1: What is your astrological sign and do you feel it’s accurate?

I am a Sagittarius. I have to admit I do not follow my horoscope today the way I did when I was younger, but when I see the traits I know I have them in me!!

October 2: How did you husband/spouse/partner propose?
J and I were together about 2.5 years when he proposed. There were a lot of times when I wished he had proposed sooner but I don't think the timing was right for him. When I met him he had just come out of a 10 (or was it 12) year relationship so it definitely took time for him to completely let her go. There are stories I could tell but I won't, because I am still trying to let go of some of that crap from the beginning of our relationship. Anywhooo...the good stuff: our proposal!!

I wasn't sure when it was going to happen, but I knew it was going to happen somewhat soon because J had started saying he was going to love me "til happily ever after". We had talked about rings and J had told me that when it was time we'd look together. One day while we were still living in MA he took me out for a special shopping trip and I really thought that was it we were going to look for rings! I was wrong. :( It was still a fun day (Wrentham Outlets and Patriots Place) but it turned out he was shopping for a Wii for me. lol.

In February 2010 we had friends who were getting married on a cruise and we were both really, really looking forward to the trip. We had just moved to TX in January and couldn't wait to see our friends again even thought it had only been 2 months since we had last seen them. It was an amazing time. Their wedding is still one of the most fun I've been too. The cruise was great, too...it was through the Eastern Carribean with the last day being on the island of Labadee. At the time we were both Samantha Brown fans and couldn't wait to see the rock formation that looked and sounded like a dragon.

When we got to the beach at Labadee J wanted to go in the water first but I pretty much insisted we go see the "dragon" first because we had to walk to it and I didn't want to get wet and then have to walk over to it. So we relaxed on some chairs first and J was taking notes...I asked him about it but was told I was being too nosy. Once he was finally finished we walked over. There was a little beach on the way to the dragon that we stopped at to take some pictures. I was standing down on the beach and started to follow J back up to the path and he told me to wait there. When he came back he threw a Propel water bottle into the water and said "Go get it." (I still laugh at that part!) Well, thankfully he didn't throw it far...when I opened it there was J's note "Will you marry me?" I squealed, hugged him, told him I loved him and he put the ring on my finger. :) Turns out that when J walked back up the path he asked someone to record what was happening. We took some pictures and then went up to see the dragon.

After seeing the dragon we made our way back to the beach and went swimming. While we were swimming J said "So, um, you never did answer me...Will you marry me?" I giggled and finally said yes!

That night when we were at dinner our table was practically empty - only one other friend there. I have never used my left hand so much!! We finally had to show her because she did not pick up on the clues at all!! After dinner we went to a show with the group...when it was over we were chatting with the bride and she asked what we did that day. I put my hand up and she said "You did FIVE things today?!?" I just laughed and said  no and had to point to the ring!! hehe. There was ALOT of celebrating done that night...way too many mojitos and then we all went back to the bride and groom's suite to toast with champagne. J and I finally went to bed around 5 and pretty much fell asleep sitting up because we were both too afraid to lay down. It was definitely a very fun time!!

First Ultrasound

I am happy to report that all went well today!! I am beyond excited and giddy right now. Needless to say, I was anxious before the appointment - up an hour earlier than normal. We were able to have our appointment with Dr. A, which was beyond great. Once the wand was in place it just took a moment for him to find what he was looking for. As soon as we spotted the sac we could see there was someone inside it with a beating heart! J spotted it right away. Dr. A said he was surprised that we were at that point...he didn't really expect it today. He said I am 6w1d and the baby was measuring at 6weeks so we are right on time. I've never had that before. For the two pregnancies where we did get to an ultrasound we measured 2 weeks behind.

I have definitely let out a sigh of relief for today...I am going to do my best to enjoy the moment and not get too carried away one way or the other.

Less than 24 hours to go...

Until our first ultrasound...I don't know if I can describe how anxious I am about this. I am trying to stay calm but now that we are down to the wire I can feel the anxiety waying on me. I had a dream the other night that when we went for the u/s there was nothing to be seen and I got pissed at the doctor. I couldn't understand how all my beta numbers were so good and he couldn't see anything. The last night I dreamt that we had a gender reveal party and my Mom got the message wrong and had the cupcakes frosted pink and I knew right away what I was having. My dreams and sleeping have been all over the place.

I definitely have some symptoms - wake up nauseous and have bouts of nausea during the day, my sense of smell is out of whack, feel bloated, super sore girls at the end of the day but the one that hit me the most was when coffee did not seem appealing anymore. (decaf, of course...I am two days without any coffee) Part of me still wonders if the symptoms are present due to the 2mL of PIO that is going into me every night. The doctor did say he was throwing the kitchen sink at me to help me stay pregnant, so hopefully they are real symptoms.

I am just so afraid that within two weeks this will all be over. During the two pregnancies where we had ultrasounds my dates told me I was around 8 weeks but I measured at 6 weeks plus a few days. I am so curious/anxious/scared as to what will or won't be seen tomorrow.