Thursday, June 20, 2013

Need your thoughts/advice

I am in a quandry about a friendship and I thought I would turn to y'all for your thoughts and advice. Long story short, a good friend of mine stopped talking to me after I was unable to see her while we were home visiting over the holidays.

Now for some of the details...I had messaged her prior to our traveling home to MA asking about getting together. She said sure, maybe some night after work...said she'd get back to me. Well, she never did. As a result, I ended up seeing some other friends...some friends that I had not seen in almost 4 years. We did the best we could with the limited time we had at home and unfortunately, that meant we could not see everyone. (I should have/could have reached out to her again while we were home, but did not.) When we got back to TX she said she was sad she did not see us. I emailed her and apologized for it not working out and asked if we could try harder to stay in touch this year. (We sort of lost touch last year...we both had a lot going on in our lives...I was going through treatments and the loss and she was going through a divorce that was years in the making.) I never heard back from her. In March I messaged her again asking if I had done something wrong. She said she was just sad that it seemed like when we were home there was never time to get together.

I think she forgot that when I was home last year it was never for anything good, except for when we were home in December. We flew home 4 times last year (including the holidays). In March J's dad was diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer...3 weeks after the diagnosis J lost his dad. Then we flew back again in June for the memorial service. She knew the reasons for our trips home and I thought she knew social visits would be severly limited for me.

This friend, M, is one of my few IRL friends who knew anything about our struggles and losses. She only knew about the 1st two losses, as I did not advertise when we suffered a loss and she never really reached out to ask how we were doing. She is also one of the few friends has been to visit us in TX.

In May, I emailed her to let her know we were pregnant and received a message back that said: Congrats.
I've tried contacting her several times via email and Facebook but have not received any replies.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Part of me thinks I should just pick up the phone and call her, but there is a big piece of me that is anxious about trying that. I also wonder if she'd even bother answering the phone. I know my Mom included her on the save the date for our baby shower, but she has not heard anything either. My Mom, the eternal optimist, said not to worry, there is plenty of time.

I feel like she's broken up with me and I am chasing after her. It's so bizarre.

Sorry, for the long babbling post today...any thoughts/advice are welcome. :)


  1. I'm not very good at situations like this, but if it was something that was bothering me a lot, I'd be inclined to write to her to tell her my concerns and feelings. (I'm better at writing out my feelings than talking about them.) It sounds like there are a lot of unspoken feelings happening here and they might need to be dragged out of her.

    I'm sorry that your friendship with her is troubled. I hope you'll be able to work things out. Good luck.

    1. Thanks, Jenny. Sometimes I forgot that snail mail is still an option! Might be a good one here. :)

  2. I'm actually working on a post about a situation like this, with me being the OP and my friend being in your shoes. Honestly, there's only so much you can do as she's not reciprocating. You can try calling her and/or writing her a letter, but the truth is that she needs to meet you halfway. And if she's not doing that, there's really not a lot you can do.

    In my case, I was so bitter about my losses while my friend was moving on to motherhood (she gave birth to her daughter the same day I learned I had miscarried). Living with the pain of all of that and then having a failed cycle resulted in me being able to see beyond myself or connect with those who weren't also struggling with the same type of trauma. It wasn't until later, after I had been working with a counselor to address the trauma and heal, that I was able to communicate with my friend and be a part of her life again. I know I hurt her terribly because of this, but I also know that I needed to protect myself.

    What I'm willing to bet is happening is that there's some jealousy over you moving forward and being pregnant. I'm not saying it's right or fair (believe me, I know how much you've been through and what a gift Cinco is for you), but emotions are usually far from rational. That said, I think being honest about what you're feeling is good and letting her know that you are willing to listen is also good too. But remember that there's only so much you can do as she needs to confront her demons and heal. So no guilt or shoulda-coulda-wouldas because you are already doing an amazing job of reaching out and keeping the lines of communication open. Fingers are crossed that she sees this and reciprocates.

  3. Hmm... hard to fully know what's going on unless you have years of context, but I would guess that Cristy is right about her being a bit resentful toward you. People always think others' lives are easier than their own, and often gloss over things like miscarriages or parents dying while focusing on stuff their friends have that they don't (in this case, a stable marriage, pregnancy, etc.). Honestly, I wouldn't worry about anything YOU have done, or haven't done -- it really sounds like she is just dealing with some demons in her own life right now and closing up a bit. I wouldn't be too aggressive in trying to get back in her good books, but rather keep sending her messages here and there letting her know you're thinking of her and just kind of offering support, checking in, etc. I also think email is sometimes an easier way to communicate in these situations because you can formulate exactly what you want to say and read it over first, then she can kind of digest it on her own terms, in her own time, and write back when she's ready...

  4. Thank you SO much for your thoughts and advice...I truly appreciate it. :)