You say it's your birthday...

Well, it's my birthday too!!

Yes, I hate the number but I love celebrating my special day! My Mom is on the plane now on her way to San Antonio and I cannot wait to see her!! Really looking forward to a fun weekend before going in for my lap on Tuesday.

I started the day off with my pre-op labs, but did stop at Starbuck's on my way to work to treat myself to a Peppermint Mocha.

Hope y'all have a GREAT day and a wonderful weekend. :)

Sometimes...

I am having a much tougher time picking up the pieces after this loss compared to the others. I know each loss is different and I can't lump them all together, but this has really been tough for both J and I. The biggest piece is that I don't know what is next for us. In an odd way, having the surgery next week helps because it means I am doing something. It seems that since I've made the decision to go forward with the procedure I've read about more than once person who was diagnosed with endometriosis after having a lap done and they had not been experiencing any symptoms. I am curious about what Dr. A is going to find.

Did I mention to y'all that I have pregnant co-worker? I work in an office of 20 and this is the second time where I've suffered a loss at the same time where a co-worker is pregnant. It's miserable to say the least. I am so glad that we are now in a suite with two floors, so I can avoid contact with her when I need to.

I have also been feeling guilty that my commenting on blogs has changed. Please know that I am keeping up with all of you and cheering for you.

I am sorry if I sound too much like a Debbie Downer...more than once I've read The Barren Librarian's post when I've felt down this week and tried to remind myself that I am a Warrior!!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Really wish I was having my morning coffee here:

Instead of here:

One week from today...

I'll be having my laparscopy done to check for endometriosis. Part of me feels crazy for doing this and the other side thinks maybe it's just the frugal side of me who can't pass up something that will be free. I think it will be good to explore all sides of my IF and hopefully this will help us with deciding what is next. My Mom is coming down on Friday for a week - it will be nice to have her here with me next week while I am recovering.

Our holiday weekend was good - each day had some tears but they also had fun in them to balance out the sad side. Thanksgiving morning was rough...it was J's first major holiday since his dad passed away. We tried to watch the Macy's day parade but J ended up in tears saying "We said we'd take our kids to the parade." It was tough...I think it's the first time he's let himself cry in front of me over the losses. After that we decided it was time to go for a walk at the park with the puppies. SO glad we did - it really reset our moods and we burned some calories before we consumed them!

Saturday we did our part for Small Business Saturday. We headed up to Fredericksburg for some shopping. It was so much fun! The weather was perfect. Only downfall was the crowds...so many people had the same idea! I am hoping we can get back up there again before the end of the year. Funny story for you from when we were shopping...we went into a store that sold all sorts of jams, jellies, salsas and sauces...we picked out two jars to purchase after testing many of the samples. Well, if we bought three we'd save 15% on each bottle, so I got to pick out the third...I quickly grabbed the Pineapple and Hatch salsa. After we started driving I asked J what was wrong with me...how did I manage to pick up salsa and not the wild blueberry preserves?!? I am a bit of a nut when it comes to blueberries - especially the wild variety. I think I've been in TX too long...still wondering how this girl from New England who grew up with blueberries in her backyard picked salsa over blueberry jam... Another reason to go back!

I leave you with some pictures :)

 Lazy puppies watching tv

 Thanksgiving dinner in our courtyard (we put way too much food on our plates and didn't eat it all!)

Just in case

You wanted to see more of our wedding...I did a guest post for a blogger from San Pedro:
http://www.sanpedroscoop.com/

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Today I share with you one of my favorite wedding pictures...I am so thankful for that day...

it was amazing! 

To scope or not to scope...that is the question

Ladies, I need your thoughts on something...when I first started this journey with Dr. A he thought there was a chance I have some endometriosis in there. At the time, he thought it was mild enough that surgery was not necessary. After the way I was feeling last week, I decided to email Dr. A to see what he thought about my having the surgery before the end of the year. I believe, that because I've met my deductible for the year, the costs would be minimal. So, Dr. A said it wouldn't be a bad idea to go ahead and do it...they would put me on the birth control again and schedule the procedure. So, now my question for you...am I nuts for considering surgery before the holidays? If you have had laparoscopic surgery, what is the recovery like? Any thoughts/advice are welcome!

A Penny for Your Thoughts...

I guess I should be giving y'all my pennies because I am going to give you my thoughts. :)

It's CD2 for me...it started earlier than I anticipated. G-D Hope poked her head into my world when I had some spotting earlier in the week. It start off brownish so I thought - hmmm- could it be? Could it be a spontaneous pregnancy?? (Dr. A's term when we asked about trying on our own.) But when it continued for 3 days I  knew what was coming.

I've been having a tough time with it...a bit of TMI for you...the bleeding seems worse with this cycle than it was with the m/c. I am moody and picking fights with J over stupid things. I think baking chocolate chip cookies might be the plan for this evening to try to lighten my mood.

I am a big fan of Pinterest and one of my favorite boards is my "Words" board. I thought I'd share some of my favorites with you:

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Whatcha doing?

Thank you so much for your kinds words after yesterday's post. I will definitely keep you updated on our IF life but I'll also be giving you a peak into our "real" life. :) I took this picture last December when we took my mom to the wildlife ranch here in San Antonio.

The magic number is 3!!

I just received the call from our nurse...my hcg level is now at 3 and I am done with blood draws! YAY! My arm can finally take a break from being poked. I am really hoping this is going to help me heal a bit more. It's been really hard to go in so often to have my blood drawn...it's been 4 weeks since we learned that we lost Fred and I am ready for the physical side of all of this to be done. I am so glad I found a therapist that I feel like I connect with. I am going back again on Monday, I was lucky enough to be fit into a slot where someone cancelled.

I don't know what's next for us, so things may get a little quiet around here. Maybe I'll give you some posts on our life here in San Antonio or something else non-IF.

101st post!

I had been holding off on my 100th post last week, because I wanted it to be a good one. Well, instead you got a zebra.

I am a survivor!! My in-laws were here for 5 days I lived to tell about it! The visit was long and had some drama, but nothing major. I knew it was long when J said to me this morning "You know 5 days is long to have visitors."

I am going to give you some bullet points to fill you in on where I am at. I feel like if I try to write a proper post it's going to ramble and I am going to forget at least one thing.

* We had our "WTF" appointment with Dr. A...the path report for Fred came back inconclusive. Dr. A was really surprised. The report stated that the lab received tissue "conclusive with products of conception" but they were not able to grow any tissue to conduct the testing. Apparently this little one did not want us to know anything about him/her. Not sure if this helps or hurts my healing process. At least I know we tried to find out what went wrong. Dr. A said he was 70% certain it was a chromosome issue.

* As for what's next in our plan to become parents it looks like my eggs might be out of the picture. He said we could try one more round of IVF but it would need to happen NOW. Unfortunately, J and I do not have the money for that. Also, I am a bit concerned with doing another round of meds...doing three rounds in one year seems like a lot to me. J said "So it sounds like you are recommending donor eggs or adoption." Dr. A shook his head yes. He was so good to us during the appointment. When he said IVF would need to happen sooner rather than later he said he would work with us and see what could be done in terms of the cost. J and I still need to talk about what's next for us and  how we'd like to move forward. Unfortunately, the appt happened while his mom and her husband were here so we really haven't had a chance to talk.

* J's mom behaved while she was here and the drama was kept to a minimum! HUGE relief for me :) Both J and I were expecting at least some drama. Only thing that bothered me was that she did not really acknowledge the loss while she was with us in person. Well, at least not to me. J said she did ask how I was doing with everything. The morning of our appt she also said that if I didn't want to do anything afterwards it was okay with them.

* Garnett had another seizure this weekend. Thankfully the whole episode only seemed to last about 3 minutes. The downfall was a I failed again in terms of making sure J and Sadie were also on the other side of the door with me before shutting it. I just freak out when these happen...I need to get better at it. I am thinking if we make a check list of what we are both responsible for when it happens that will help me.

* I started seeing a therapis today! I'll call her Dr. S - today was just the in-take meeting but she seemed great. She said I sound like I am doing well, but she could understand why I'd like help getting "better".

* REALLY wishing we were heading off to Belize for Thanksgiving! I want to be here:

Off the grid

I've been off the grid because we've been interesting Jason's mom and her husband. Yesterday we went to the wild life ranch...it was a lot of fun.

Pig

I really wanted to title my post "Why me?" but I wanted to add some positive to this post as well so I am going to start with the positve before I go on to the not-so-positive.

I am not sure if I've let it be known or not that I am somewhat obsessed with Dave Matthews. One day last week I was having a rough time during my ride home so I did what I always do when I am feeling down...I turned on Dave. The song Pig started playing, well normally, I would just sing along and start feeling better thinking about the time I saw him play at Fenway and he opened with Pig. Um, not this time. I started really listening to the lyrics and started balling. When I heard these lyrics I thought of all of you and the love & support I have received.

This love will open our world
From the dark side we can see a glow of something bright
Oh, there's much more than we see here

I really don't know how I would have made it through this last loss without you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much for being there for me.

Now for the zingers...had my follow-up hcg test today. I am at 9...why can't it be below 5 already!??! Looks like I have to go back again next Monday. :( I am hoping that the pathology report will be back this week so I can meet with Dr. A on the same day I go in for the blood draw. One a positive note, our nurse has been the one doing the blood draws...no sympathetic looks and no bruises!!

Major zinger of the weekend...J and I went to the yard sales in the neighborhood on Saturday during the community yard sale. It wasn't easy because my original plan had been to look for baby stuff but I changed it to wanting to look for a cast iron pan and a weed whacker instead. Fail on both of those, but we did find some bargains and some heartache. When we stopped at one sale the woman said "I just have baby stuff and this entertainment center." J replied "Thanks, we don't need baby stuff or an entertainment center." The woman chuckled and said "Oh, all done having babies?" J smiled and we walked away. J grabbed my hand and asked if we could just go home and cry. I said I wanted to reply with "Yup, having 4 die was enough for us." I am really glad I didn't...it's not her fault and what good would it have done to make her feel horrible. We talked about it more than once and kept on trucking.

To end on a positive note, I am happy to report that I thoroughly enjoyed my "Two-Buck Chuck" from Trader Joe's this weekend!!

FINALLY!!

Trader Joe's has come to San Antonio!! Grand opening is today - I am planning on going over at lunch time and buying my 2 buck Chuck!! (it's $2.99 here, but that's okay).

I am happy to say my mood is much better today and I am definitely calling the therapist today. Thank you for all the love and support you have sent my way - it means more than I can tell you.

Hope y'all have a great weekend!!

One of those days...

Call me clueless...I had no idea that Halloween would have such a negative effect on me. J and I were dorks had fun last night sitting outside with the dogs waiting for the trick-or-treaters to arrive. We did enjoy a couple of hard ciders while sitting out there and the dogs loved being outside. We brushed both of them quite a bit. :) Despite not being to the groomers for a month now, they looked really shiny and had soft coats. We didn't get that many kids and only one little one. He was an awfully cute Kermit the Frog - he was out with his older brothers and sisters...J decided his mom had enough kids and we should have just grabbed him. lol

Once we were done with the "festivities" and making dinner I lost it. I realized that if the first pregnancy had been successful we would have had a toddler by now. I melted. I had another hard time falling asleep and even a harder time waking up this morning. J thought he was being good and let me sleep until the last possible moment. Unfortunately, it backfired...I woke up super crabby and complaining about everything. I have yet to shake that crappy feeling, despite having leftover Halloween candy for breakfast.

I am definitely calling the therapist that was recommended to me today.

Sorry I didn't serve any cheese with the whine today...